Not Good Enough
by Picaro
Summary: Ryou´s thinking about himself and his relationship with Yugi-tachi as well as the problems with his other self. Bakura is the past, Ryou the future. But what is it that really bothers the fake angel the most? - might later be turned into a SetoRyou


Disclaimer: The usual… don´t own them, don´t have any right on them, no copyright infringements intended, don´t sue, don´t have money,…bla,bla,bla. 

AU: Another Ryou intro-perspective. I'm once again toying with the though of how you could interpret the whole idea of reincarnation and Ryou and Bakura's relationship with each other under these perspectives. The times I'm referring to Yami being violent and crazy/overprotective are based on the very first few episodes in the manga where he performs some shadow games, which are enough to put even Marik to shame. This is also my possible take on how Ryou might feel towards Yugi and the others.

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Just not Good enough 

Why?

Why is it that it's always Yugi Mutou who's the shining hero?

He's weak, little and easy to push around. First, he had no friends, but now he has gained them. He's always taking their side and sticking up for them when times are bad. He's the loved one. He's sacrificing what little he has and they support him for that with all their might. He's brave…

He first had a violent yami, who was crazy from all the years locked inside the Millennium Puzzle. Now he's his best friend and would willingly die for him. Or give his soul. Just like little Yugi would do for each one of them. 

For me too…

…wouldn't he?

I surely did.

I already _have_.

I willingly sacrificed myself to make sure they would be safe and was just brought back by some sort of glitch that was triggered by pure accident. Just my luck. In the end, they never did help me. I gave everything for them. 

Even though I wasn't Yugi.

I'm not small and I'm certainly not as weak as many seem to think I am. (Just because one doesn't likes to fight doesn't means that one isn't able to.) Though many say I'm frail-looking. No, I'm definitely no Yugi-kun. But I'd give everything I have for every one of them, just like him.

I'm not as happy as Yugi-kun. 

I can't hide what I truly feel between fake smiles and unwanted cheers. I know life's not just a game.

…And if it is, then it's certainly not a happy one. (I had my share of how it is.)

But I'm nice, gentle and friendly as much as I can. I try to fight it, I don't ever _want_ to hurt them. Because I do care about them. My friends.

… Why does this thought have such a bitter taste with it?

It's what they are, my friends. I care about them just like they would care about me. Would they? They don't ever seem to notice me. Not anymore. Sure, they _do_ care. They do care when it's critical. But else…?

I´m a un-person.

Somebody even his closest friends are referring to with his last name. 

Do they even know my first name?

Do they know that I'm actually _Ryou_, not just Bakura-kun?

I fear I don't think so.

I'm just existing to them when it's important. Like back then, when I was hurt and had to be taken to the hospital, or when my own yami had nearly pushed me out of my body. _Then_ they cared. Then. They cared to bring me to the hospital fast, for aid, and helped me defeat the ´koe´ inside my head. Yes, I'm still referring to him as that. Koe.  The voice.

Because that's what he is. 

A bad voice whispering bitter sentences that I don't want to hear. He's the nagging doubt, desire, fear and confusion that lurks behind the shine of the light.  

Yugi's yami was once crazy with over-protectiveness, but now he's turned to one of his best friends. Gentle and caring, even though a bit haughty every once in a while. Especially during his duels. Does he ever ask Yugi for his permission before he takes over his body, I wonder?

I bet he does.

Why not me?

I have a yami as well and I'm also gentle and caring. We could be great friends. 

Yet we aren't.

The ´koe´ in my Millennium Ring doesn't want to speak with me unless he wants to manipulate me. Or let me know about his personal opinion. Which isn't very nice or spiritually lifting most of the time. 

…He's bitter, just like me.

He doesn't care if I want to give up control of my body or not, he just takes it. Sometimes I wonder if it's not more merciful that way. My yami isn't a very nice man after all. It's probably better I don't know what he thinks. What he's done and still plans to do.

But that's not what's disturbing me.

Not that much…

No. 

It's something else.

I wonder… Sometimes I wonder…

Isn't it like a curse was placed on me?

No, not no _me_. On him. ´Koe´. My other half. The ´touzoku-ou´. The spirit of the Millennium Ring. The king of thieves, Bakura, most known and feared tomb robber in ancient Egypt.

Aren't I like a divine punishment from the gods?

He was ruthless and uncaring for any sense of what was right. He didn't even know mercy, just by the name of it. He was ruthless. He killed and murdered many, innocent and guilty alike, just to prove that he was right. And he backed down from _no one_. 

He spat the gods in the face.

Wasn't it like divine punishment to create me like this? His other self, the one he was going to be, his next life… completely weak. Not in mind and also not in body, but in every term he'd use to describe it. 

I'm frail, thin, effeminate and passive like nobody else I ever met. Not even Yugi-kun was ever like that. Wouldn't it be like the perfect curse to perform on somebody as proud as he? 

To make me as his next life like I am now and let him witness it all just to let him know what he's once certainly going to become? He'd hate it. And he does. He can barely bear it to ever look into my face.

Because _I am_ what he's going to be. 

Not small, not weak, not frail in the common sense. But in the end designed to be passive and to be cast aside and forgotten.

I am definitely somebody else's punishment.

A fate, worse than the penalty of any shadow game could ever be.

Why do I know this?

Because it's the only thing that helps to keep me sane. I'm not really like that. I know it, part of me screams it every time I talk to them, every time I have to make a decision… 

That's just not me.

Why Yugi? Why Yugi and not me? 

That's the omnipotent thing in my head. Why him and not me? Why has he gained friends and loyal acquaintances and rivals and love interest and all that and not _me_? Why couldn't I have them as well…? I don't even have to have all of them… Just a little bit would be more than enough…

…My yami chides me right now, calls me weak and foolish for being content with so less. Or maybe it's my own consciousness? 

I just don't know.

´Why not me?´

I've already searched for an answer to this question for so long. And, finally, I think that I might have found a fitting answer. Though I wonder if I really want it to be right…

Maybe I know because. Maybe I already know it. It's because…

…I'm thinking too much.

…I keep wondering why.

…I keep making comparisons between myself and Yugi.

…because I'm still not knowing my former self's name.

…because I still feel anger, anguish and hate like Yugi never seems to feel. Because I can cannot forgive somebody when he hurts me. Maybe it's because of this sick enviousness and the way it's eating me up internally. And I can't do a thing about it. Because I can still hate. I still carry darkness inside of me that isn't part of the personification of somebody else. 

Maybe it's simply because I'm not G_ood_ enough.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 

PS: This whole story was written between 1:38 and 2:45 am on a free Friday (or is it already Saturday?) evening. Please excuse any confusedness? Also I´d like to thank Relinquished-sama for beta-ing this for me. Thanks a lot!^ ^

Please review and tell me what you think of it!


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